The Church of No Preference

A religion evolved from a line on an Army dog tag.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Letters From the Raptured?

The flying letter writers being raptured.

The Church of No Preference is bereft of people with dogmatic attitudes. Most people are attracted to be No Preferentists because of the lack of dogma at this church. We have virtually no absolutist believers in Revelations from the Bible (or Revelationists as some call them). Certainly there are members here who wonder if the rapture is a possibility, but none that give us screaming headaches with their repeated dire warnings.

Recently I was made aware of a website that allows Revelationists to write letters to their loved ones to be delivered after the Revelationist has raptured (taken to heaven thus disappearing from Earth). Here is the form letter to be sent out after the rapture.

Dear Friend;

This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.

The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.

If you read a Bible, you will see that after chapter three in the book of Revelation, the church is no longer mentioned as being on earth. (The church are the believers in Jesus Christ, not the buildings in which people meet.)

In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians Chapter 4 verses 16 and 17 tell how Jesus came to take away His church. But, you have to believe the Bible is the Word of God in order to believe this.

I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.

It will sound like the truth!

But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in Him and made Him their Lord.

If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is not too late. First you must pray to God saying "Father, I admit I am a sinner, and I will turn from my sin and do good. I believe that Jesus was your son and that He came here to die for me so that my sins would be forgiven. I ask you to forgive me and I will repent of my sins. In Jesus
name I pray."


If you just prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart, then God will know you as one of His own. You should now seek out others who have also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to bring others to Christ.

God bless you.

Those of us who don't believe that this will really happen can at least take heart that that those raptured didn't send a gloating letter to those of us left behind. I'd hate to get a letter along the lines of this;

Dear Left Behind,

This message is to let you know that a friend or relative has gone to heaven and that you obviously didn't. Your friend or relative wishes to convey to you these words, "I told you so!"

They go on to tell you, "You wouldn't believe this place! If only you had listened to me. If only you had listened to the TV preachers. If only you had picked apart the Bible for out of context verses, you'd be up here with me!

You friend or relative hopes your life down there with all the other sinners isn't too chaotic, yet doesn't feel deeply sorry for you as you had your chance, you blew it.

You will hear all sorts of reasons that your friend or family member is gone, don't believe them, believe the TV preachers. Wait. There won't be any TV preachers left, they are up here. Hmmm. Believe this letter!

But, wait! It's not too late for you. You can still get to heaven by believing in Jesus and in this letter. Get going on that and you too can be in heaven. You could meet with your friend or relative again in the hereafter. You may not disappear as your friend or relative did. You may have to procede to heaven in third class, but at least you'll be on the flight.

See you soon, maybe.

Whether the letter is gloating or polite, I'm baffled by the rapture theory. It seems that if you missed the boat on the first try, you can change and catch the next voyage. It almost seems to me that we are allowed to party unending until we get the letter, then turn over a new leaf and we can be sending a letter as well. They should title the letter "This Is Your Last Warning," then we would know to get our lives with God.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Democratic Gods



...for a new One God!

How did some religious cultures go from multiple Gods to only one God?

Well I do know the history of the Jews who decided that their regional God traveled with them and that God was the only God they followed, ignoring the other Gods that each region believed in. After some time, their God became the One God.


The Christian God and the God of Muhammad are the same God as the Judeo God, athough there is clearly a perception among many within each religion that their particular God is the One God, and that the other two religions have a different One God. Or that their One God has a special relationship with their particular religion and not with the others.

If you were to consider God ideologies in terms of human society political systems then we might be able to make more sense of beliefs in God(s).

It's believed that polytheism is derived from people observing the vast display of stars and planets passing each night. But with so many stars, constellations of stars and planets it must have been anarchy trying to understand the Gods assigned to various portions of the stellar sky. So out of anarchy evolved a more communal society of Gods. Some points in the night sky eventually began to receive more attention, those Gods started to become predominant.

Later, polytheism had a structured system of Gods that had roles in a heirarchy. The Greeks and Romans for instance had a system not unlike a monarchy. They had a top male God married to a top female God. They in turn bore many other Gods with powerful positions, but never to assume the throne. Since Gods don't die, this polytheistic monarchy always had a permanent power structure.

Then along came monotheism. One God to rule all. This might be called a solo everlasting dictatorship in God political systems. Since there is only one God, no other God can assume absolute control.

But somehow it seems humans have missed a political theocratic ideology. Maybe, just maybe there are many Gods, countless Gods in heaven. Maybe, Gods are part of a democratic system and they get together every few hundred of our years and elect a new God to be the One God.

It's quite possible humans have missed the boat on this theory. Is it conceivable that Jews, Christians and Muslims all believed in a One God, but it really was a different One God? The difference being that the Gods had elected a new One God between each religion's formulation.

The God of Moses could have been elected by the Gods way back in the time of the Book of Genesis. The God of Jesus had been elected by the Gods prior to Jesus' birth. Then another God election came along and a different One God was in office to become the God of Muhammad. Since that time, the Gods may have elected several other Gods in succession to be the One God. Who knows how many Gods have won heavenly political campaigns during our human history?


Now I'm sure the democratic heaven is nothing like democracies of human nations, particularily the United States. I doubt that there are political parties fighting each other for power. I highly doubt that huge sums of money are passed around to advertise a God candidate. And I extremely doubt that the elected God is the "lesser of two evils" as American elections have been called.


I can conceive of God Democracy as being very easy going. There may not be a set term limit, the Gods could just suddenly decide to have a party and elect a new God. Possibly the One God just decides enough is enough and calls for an election to name a replacement. And it's certainly possible that the other Gods on occasion must call for an election to recall a particular One God that has abused power.


As I have never heard this God theory before, I can't believe there has been any study to determine if there is any corrollation between what happens on Earth to any particular elected One God. In fact it would probably be hard to determine the line of succession of elected One Gods. They've never been named, let alone understood to have distiguishable personality traits.

I could cite some very loose observations. It's been said that the God of the Bible's Old Testiment was a wrathful God wrecking havoc with floods, plagues, rains of frogs, etc. And it's been noted that the God of the New Testiment was a more understanding God.

The two parts of the Bible may show some evidence of a change of the One God, at least one election took place. There may have been more than one election and the Old Testiment had several One God personalities with a more wrathful nature. The later books of the Old Testiment had a less wrathful One God, maybe the voting Gods were successively electing nicer and nicer One Gods.

Currently several religious leaders in the United States have been publicly surmissing that the One God is wrathful. These leaders have claimed that events like 9/11 and the many hurricanes culminating with Hurricane Katrina are proof that God is mad at America.

From the point of view of democratic heaven it could be they are beginning a recall campaign to remove the One God. There may be an impeachment brewing in the God Democracy.

If you believe this theory and live in the United States it might behoove you to pray to the voting Gods to call for an election to replace the One God. If the currently elected One God is becoming wrathful, it seems time for a new One God, unless you like a wrathful God. Myself, I plan to pray to the voting Gods, I'd rather have an understanding God. I've been working on a prayer that goes something like this;

Oh Voting Gods, I beseech you,

please think of us humans.

We are not perfect, we are not without flaws,

but do we deserve the wrath of God?

We need understanding, we need guidance,

not floods and hurricanes and tornados.

I pray to you Voting Gods to look at your One God.
I pray you see the harm that has befallen us by His hand.

I pray you recall the One God,
and throw the bum out!
Amen!

You don't have to use this particular prayer. You can think up your own prayer that you might think will catch the attention of the Voting Gods. But if you want to change the One God to a more favorable God, get cracking on that praying. Pray for impeachment.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Ruminations From the Church

Take great strides when you walk on water.

We at the Church of No Preference are virtually addicted to sayings, maxims, mottos, truisms, and old saws. We just have this love for ruminating on those things.

To Ruminate;
1
: to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly
2 : to chew repeatedly for an extended period
intransitive senses
1 : to a chew again what has been chewed slightly and swallowed : chew the cud
2 : to engage in contemplation


To be clear, we don't chew repeatedly on something already slightly chewed, particularily an old saw. That would be awful. But we do engage in contemplation of old sayings, and new sayings for that matter. Here are some sentences that have gotten our minds nearly blown.

If you could touch everything, you'd have lots of foreign particles on your fingers.

If you can rule the world, then no more power to you.

Cross your fingers, wiggle your nose, raise an eyebrow, breath deeply, twist your hips, click your heels, and if you did all that, I've got some trash in my garage to sell you.

Every new day is a reason to rip off the previous day on the daily calendar.

When life gets you down, scream out your window, "I'm mad as hell and I won't take it anymore." Then take a nap.

Reach for the stars, but be careful not to get charged with harrassment.

You can keep your head high or keep your head down, just be sure to keep your head above water.

Don't forget to bring your brains, they might come in handy.

Where there's smoke there's fire and where there's fire there's going to be a pile of ashes.

God is big!

Nerfballs should be called softballs and softballs should be called "bigger than hardballs, yet a wee bit softer, BALLS."

You're in love when you get that funny tingling in your stomach, or you're on a rollercoaster, or both as love IS a rollercoaster.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Well, the names do bug me and please disarm yourself of those stones and sticks.

The world is insane, just ask the news.

So there you have the latest sayings to ruminate upon. Remember, do not chew them repeatedly or at least be sure to swallow them whole. But I suggest that the best way to ruminate these thoughts of wisdom is to lay back in a big cushy sofa with your favorite beverage by your side and partake of them slowly. Stay out of the kitchen while thinking about them, you'll get distracted from thinking rumination to chewing rumination.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Softball, The Game of Meditation?

The Buddhas manager deeply contemplating a pitching change.

Our second game we played this weekend was against the Buddhist Buddhas. We always have trouble beating those guys for some reason. We just can't seem to rile them up or get under their skin, which in slowpitch softball can be part of the psychological game within a game.

We will be yelling "hey batter, batter, batter, swing!" But when you look at the batter, he just has that serene look on his face, like nothing in the world can bother him. We'll try taunting them with stupid insults like, "Zen are you going to swing?" One guy on our team even tried mooning them (indiscretely avoiding the umpires eyes) and yelling "I got one of your four truths over here!!"

But, nothing works to throw them off their game. I'm always amazed when one of their players hits a homerun and you look into their dugout and no one is up cheering. They just smile for the joy of the moment and return to their meditation. It's unnerving enough to intimidate our team somewhat.

Well we lost the game 15-6, we got zenned. We'll get them next time, later in the season. We might just fight meditation with meditation next time, we'll out-meditate them.
~~~~~~~
On a different note. We began some good natured teasing of Bob Smith, one of our outfielders. See, he has always had this favorite nickname, The Decider. It turns out that this past week before this weekend's games that President Bush decided to name himself The Decider. Here's the quote, "I'm The Decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense."

So poor Bob had his nickname stolen by President Bush and worse still Bob hates Bush. We were calling Bob, The Decider in Chief, Bush Buddy and several other teasing remarks that either I can't remember just now or were too crude to mention here. Anyway, now Bob is steaming and is considering changing his nickname.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Pre-game Prayer

Pre-game praying, did God or the God's hear us?

This weekend the No Preference Pirates took the field for our first slowpitch softball game of the year. The opening day is usually more exciting due to the fact that everyone starts out equal and tied in the standings. Any team has a chance at this point. It also comes with some pomp and circumstance, you know, music and all the teams gathering for introductions and team photos.

Our first game was against the Scientology Actors. Tom Cruise and John Travolta were no shows. Tom was busy with his wife's birth and Travolta, who knows, making a movie I heard.

It was after the game, which we won 14-7, that I began to ponder about the effects of prayer, specifically the pre-game prayer. Both teams had performed the pre-game prayer. I duly remember our stunning ritual, dancing and a stirring oration by Reverend Wally. I also had seen the Scientolgists observe a few moments of prayer as well.

We won the game, so did God listen to us more than the other team? Were we somehow more deserving of God's plan for an early season win than the Scientologists? Or maybe did God just ignore the whole game and we won because we were the better team that game? What if we hadn't prayed prior to the game, would the other team automatically have won due to our prayer negligence?

I've considered a pre-game prayer experiment this season. We should see if we win when we pray and lose if we don't. But that would be chancing some losses if that experiment were to have some merit, and I don't want to cost our team some losses.

And what if winning is caused not by our faith in God's, God, higher power, etc., but by our fanciful prayer display? Maybe our win this weekend was due to our praying getting noticed among the massive amounts of prayers going out at that moment throughout the world. Did our prayer get priority due to the dazzling show over some kid praying for their terminally sick parent?

This is all so confusing. We might not have had to pray so hard if we had been able to attract former major league catcher Darren Daulton to our church and team (Darren it's still not too late). He could have contributed to the prayer and maybe slammed a homerun to boot. Oh, well, we will just have to debate this pre-game prayer ritual as the season goes on. For now, we walked off the field with an outstanding 14-7 victory, thank God!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Universe, Just a Bunch of Sims?

Are those my friends in some God's Sims game?

I think therefore I am, or as a plural statement, we think therefore we are. The singular version is attributed to philosopher Rene Decartes who preferred "I am, I exist." The full argument is more complicated, but today we know it as I think therefore I am.

But not so fast. There are several members of The Church of No Preference that wonder if that is false. They think it is conceivable that we don't think at all, that everything we do or think is controlled by something else. They have come up with a modern name for this state of existence, The Sims, Universe Edition.

The theory is that some very powerful entities, Gods, higher powers, or something we can't even conceive, are really controlling our universe like a Sims game. Nothing we think are our thoughts. Nothing we do are our actions. No one we see and interact with exists as we think (although we don't really think).

Imagine yourself as a Sims character. You walk around, go to work, return home, and perform menial tasks. Imagine as that Sims character your world would seem real. But then imagine that you are controlling that Sims character, you'd never think that the character had thoughts and emotions. You'd never believe the character chooses their actions.

And so it goes with those Gods controlling us. They manipulate us. They make us do strange things. They input odd commands just to see us dance.

But being a Sims character isn't so bad as long as we are ignorant to being controlled. If we were to believe we are being totally controlled, then that would be depressing. We've come to believe in a thing called "free will," and that's what makes life worth living. But alas, we might not have free will, who knows 100% for sure?

If I'm a Sims character in a huge universal game, then the things I'm writing are just God controlled OR they are coming out my brain due to the computer random generator. All our thoughts could be just chance binary choice, zeros or ones, to make up what seems to be complicated ideas.

The Masters of Universal Sims World just keep making me type away. Soon, they will make me do something else. Oops, I feel an urge to quit typing and publish this post. The urge seems so real, yet not in my control. Yes, the urge is getting stronger. It's almost like I'm reacting to a click of a mouse, how odd. My impulse is to now publish and go do a chore. Weird! Bye, bye.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Got Body? Let Nature Take It's Course.

Buzzards circling, in search of an unusual funeral.

When people die in our society, we've adapted various options for the disposal of the body. Many of these disposal methods are based on long established social and religious beliefs, such as burial or cremation.


The Church of No Preference has no preference to human remains disposal. We understand that traditional choices are popular in our society. Yet we also recognize that new ideas for dispensing with the human carcass are emerging and should garner some discussion as to pros and cons.


The most popular method of burial has begun to have downsides (no pun intended). The cost of cemetary real estate is increasing as the availability of that ground space is declining. Older graveyards are being desired by land developers for other purposes and in some cases the caskets and their gravestones are being relocated to other places. This situation is mostly what is causing people to rethink their cadaver deposition.


Some people donate their bodies to science and the medical field. Some people are trying the new form of permanent laying in state that has sprung up, storage units. The Navy sometimes buries at sea. Other people are having their bodies frozen and some are launching their deadness into space.


We think we have several unique methods being developed by some members here at The Church of No Preference. One member, who we shall call "Ashley," was watching a TV show about forensics and the study of corpse decomposition and had an idea. She liked the fact that decomposition was "giving back" to nature. But in her twist, instead of the dull science of forensics using this method, she believed that giving back our dead bodies to the environment should be a traditional celebration. She calls it a "take wake."


Ashley has evolved a plan written into her will for her cadaver's conclusion. She wants her corpse driven into a lonely desert and dumped. Then she is going to have a video camera set up for time elapsed taping, pointed at her dead body. After several weeks, the camera is to be retrieved and a funeral wake will be held for friends and family. At some point in the wake, the time elapsed video will be played.


Her love of nature shows should be quite evident in the viewing. She's considering hiring someone to add voice-over descriptions, such as;


"Not long after Ashley's remains are placed we see the buzzards circling overhead. They smell food. Diving to the ground the voracious birds begin consuming Ashley's carcass. But they're not the only hungry omnivores in the desert. Soon the coyotes approach. They drive off the buzzards and begin to rip into the dead flesh of Ashley. If you look closely, you can tell which coyote is the Alpha male, partaking of the meat first. Ashley's choice remains go to the strongest members of the pack."


"The flies begin to swarm in. They will lay their eggs in the last bits of Ashley, as well as gain nourishment. Eventually, as you will see later in the program, those eggs will result in the birth of maggots, who will ingest the tiny leftover pieces of Ashley, thus beginning their transformation into flies."

She believes that with quality editing, the video won't last more than a couple of hours. I suspect Ashley will need to have a disclaimer at the beginning of the video, explaining the graphic nature of her own personal nature show. I plan to watch, out of respect for Ashley's wishes. Others may adjourn to another room to pray or perhaps contemplate Ashley's demise, rather than risk a vomiting episode.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Good/Bad Friday

Jesus returns to reenact Good Friday in Tombstone, Arizona.

Today is called Good Friday by Christians because Jesus was crucified. I've never understood that description. Such a gory occassion should have a name more like Tragic Friday or Bad Friday.

On this Good Friday my curiosity got the better of me. I wanted an explaination about the name of this day. So I made it a Google Friday and went hunting for information. Well, I found the Catholic Encyclopedia, and here is what they say.

From the earliest times the Chritians kept every Friday as a feast day; and the obvious reasons for those usages explain why Easter is the Sunday par excellence, and why the Friday which marks the anniversary of Christ's death came to be called the Great or the Holy or the Good Friday. The origin of the term Good is not clear. Some say it is from "God's Friday" (Gottes Freitag); others maintain that it is from the German Gute Freitag, and not specially English. Sometimes, too, the day was called Long Friday by the Anglo-Saxons; so today in Denmark.

Not a conclusive result. It would seem to be logical to call it God's Friday, as the whole bloody episode could be said to be in "God's hands." But if I were Jesus (and I'm not, at least the last time I checked) then Long Friday seems more appropriate. If I had been crucified (and history shows that Jesus was only one of many) then I would have been thinking "this is going to be one hell of a Long Friday." I know I'd certainly wouldn't say "Thank God, it's Friday."

I've never had a job that gave me the day off due to Good Friday. But usually here in Michigan the weather is improving by now and beginning to feel springlike. It's been sort of a private tradition to accomplish something on Good Friday. I'll tell myself, "Today seems like a good Friday to get a haircut." Or maybe "This is a good Friday to begin some spring yardwork."

But seeing as this year Good Friday coincides with the end of tax season, I'll more than likely say, "Good Friday! It's time to do taxes!" Which in effect makes the day a Bad Friday.

Darn, now I'm a little grumpy, I abhor doing my taxes. Now I want to call today, Grumpy Friday or Freakin' Friday. Of course due to April 15th falling on the weekend, I have a day or two extra to get my taxes done, and I don't HAVE to do taxes today. So I am back to calling it Good Friday, or maybe Procrastination Friday.

At least it's not the 13th, in which case it would be Good Friday the 13th, and wouldn't that seem extra dangerous? Throw in a full moon and I'd probably hide inside all day and night.

The Church of No Preference offers no preference on how one deals with Good Friday, except we do like to say what we would say on any Friday, "Have a good Friday!"

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Statistics Support Us

In February and March 2002 the Pew Research Council conducted a survey of 2,002 adults. Questions about religious preference were included. The results are below:

Religious Preference% June 1996% March 2001March 2002
Christian 84 82 82
Jewish 1 1 1
Muslim * 1 *
Other non-Christian 3 2 1
Atheist * 1 1
Agnostic * 2 2
Something else (SPECIFY) * 1 2
No preference 11 8 10
Don't know/Refused 1 2 1
TOTAL 100 100 100

11% said they do not believe in God but do believe in a "universal spirit" or "higher power"; 3% said they do not believe in God or a spirit or power. In a separate question, 1% said they are atheists (those who believe there is no God), 2% said they are agnostics (those unsure whether there is a God), and 11% said they have no religious preference. The no-preference category includes people "who may not be ready to declare themselves atheists or agnostics," Pew Director Andrew Kohut says.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This research shows that The Church of No Preference has much potential to grow very large. Only the category "Christian" ranked higher than "No Preference." We at the church are on a mission to expand our sectless sect. Looking at the chart, it seems obvious that first we must make ourselves known to all the No Preferentists and then to entice the Christians into declaring themselves having no preference.

I've always thought that the main reason Christians don't want to leave their religion is the threat of hell. Well, Christians, I'm here to tell you that hell doesn't exist at the Church of No Preference if you should care to believe that, we have no preference. We promise not to threaten that you will go to hell for not believing so faithfully in Jesus.

We do have members who believe in hell, which they believe is a hellava place to go. And we have members that don't believe in hell. "Hell No, We Won't Go," is a chant they like to use. And we have members that believe Hell is a town in Michigan, which is another hellava place to go.

So you can see we really have no preference about hell. Give us a chance, the above statistics show we are bigger than you ever thought. The Church of No Preference, a place where hell can freeze over, or not.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Invite To Darren Daulton

Darren Daulton knocks his famous third base line hit.

On occassion the Church of No Preference will invite a person to join us. Sometimes we find an interesting person in the news that we feel compelled to reach out to. We've decided that former major league catcher Darren Daulton deserves an invitation. Please don't assume that this is because we are looking to improve our softball team. Here is some background on Daulton to understand our reasons.

Darren Daulton, nicknamed Dutch was a three-time all-star playing with the Philadelphia Phillies and Florida Marlins over a 14 year career. Since Daulton's retirement he has had a few problems, a drunk driving incident, a jail sentence and a divorce. Yet, he has evolved a mystical mind, now believing in metaphysics.

As Daulton explains , "I didn't have my first out-of-body experience until I was 35. I hit a line-drive just inside the third base line to help win a game. The strange thing was I didn't hit that ball. I never hit balls inside the third base line!" He was overcome with tears. "I told my wife, 'It wasn't me who swung that bat! It wasn't me!' She thought I was Looney Tunes."


Currently Daulton is working on a book about his awakening and thoughts that he plans to title If They Only Knew, which is a reference to his 1993 Phillies pennant winning team. It is expected that he will write about his synchronicity with the number eleven.

As Daulton explains, "Reality is created and guarded by numeric patterns that overlap and awaken human consciousness, like a giant matrix or hologram. They are created by sacred geometry--numbers, the language of the universe, codes of awakening--such as 11:11, which represents twin strands of DNA about to return to balance. Eleven equals
balance."

"I'll wake up at night and look at the clock and it's 11:11. I'll turn on the TV and see a baseball game tied at 11 in the 11th inning. I'll look out the window and see a car passing with 1111 on the license plate. The car will turn into a driveway with 1111 on the mailbox."


Daulton can wax philosophically on any number of subjects, "The universe is made of vibrating energy. When energy vibrates fast enough on our 3-D plane, matter becomes invisible. Everything you see is vibrating at a certain level. A dirt clod, a rock..."


What about a rosin bag?


"Sure. A rosin bag is just a mirage of innumerable particles constantly speeding up or slowing down. But the Fourth and Fifth Dimensions remain unseen by most people. Their vibrations are at a lower frequency. When I share my thoughts and experiences with them (former teammates), I tell them there's no way their minds can comprehend what I'm trying to relate. My friends are limited to the five senses."

Daulton quick hits, "I thought astro-travel was pretty bizarre. You do it every night, you just don't know it. I've skipped through time, yup, believe it."

"I just wish people would open up their mind, take their heads out of the sand."


"There is no good or bad. We're all the same, but we're all different. The higher we ascend, the more the same we are."


"Everything just is, so yesterday, right now and tomorrow all happen simultaneously. Your mind creates the reality you live in."

Daulton explains the near future, "The Mayan calendar stops at Dec. 21st, 2012, the date the Mayans believed the world would end. On that day at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence, like the crew of the Enterprise in Star Trek. I can't wait to disappear. I'd disappear today if I could."

The Church of No Preference hearby formally invite Darren Daulton to come and speak to us and with us. We believe he has already renounced any official religion and thus has met the minimum requirements to join us. We are deeply interested in the date 12/21/2012, so Darren please contact us. Also if you are interested in playing softball. please contact us even sooner
.

God's Signature

Our temporary "God" refused to sign checks.

Judge Refuses God's Signature

Regardless of how he had signed a stack of other documents, from bank records to income-tax returns, a judge rejected a man's request to be allowed to legally sign his driver's license as "God."

Berks County Senior Judge Forrest G. Schaeffer ruled Thursday that the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation could require the man to sign his given name, Paul S. Sewell, and said documents he had signed in the past did not prove differently.

Sewell, 40, said he would appeal. Sewell said he is a self-employed bond-enforcement agent and began using the signature because fugitives always prefaced their comments with, "Oh, God," when he captured them.

~~~~~~~~~~

I'm a bit confused. How did they know that this man was a man and not God appearing as a man? The story doesn't explain it, but I'm guessing by the man's statements that he didn't claim to be God, only that he used God's name (in vain, as the judge ruled against him).

But this man could be God, the fugitives called him God. The IRS apparently let him submit his tax return with a signature of God, apparently taking God's payment or paying God's refund. Unless the IRS believed him to be God and decided that God doesn't use money. But the bank thinks this man is God, they accepted God's signature on bank records.

This is what makes believing in God so difficult. If God were to appear as a person, who would believe it was God? The bank might, but not that judge. The fugitives would, the IRS might, but many other people wouldn't buy it. There would be atheists, true believers, agnostics and no preferentists.

At the Church of No Preference we would give God a chance. We would watch as God signed his name for instance to the application to sit in the special pew or sign up for the softball league.

How could we prove it wasn't God? Could we challenge God to perform miracles? God might say, "I don't do magic tricks just because you ask, besides I'm testing your faith."

We might have to go so far as to kill God in an attempt to disprove the person was God. If we killed God and God died, then the person wouldn't have been God. Unless...God after getting killed decided to not return as the person we just killed instead heading to heaven to hang out until deciding to return as some other person. On the other hand if God lived we might think it was God, a miracle that a person lived after our murder attempt. Unless...we are just bad at murder and didn't do the job right.

But we aren't suppose to even attempt this death test due to three of our rules about not murdering. We would be breaking rules and possibly right in front of God's eyes. If God decided to live through our murder attempt, then God could sign the witness statement against us. Oh, what a difficult idea, this disproving God is a tricky business.

Once we had a member who signed God on paperwork, so we've dealt with this problem. Except the situation had a different twist. This member (God) left signature lines completely blank. See God told us that he has so many names that no name would suffice, thus the blank signature line. This could prove unwieldy. If anyone saw the different unsigned documents that God hadn't signed (or had signed, depending on how you interpret it) a usual conversation would ensue.

"Hey, who forget to sign this form?"

"Oh, that would be God."

"God? What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know that guy who might be God, claims to be God, and says he has too many names to pick from."

"Whaaaaat?"

"God leaves the line blank because he has too many names to pick from. You see?"

"And you believe this guy is God?"

"What do you want us to do? Kill him as a death test?"

"Well, I'm about ready to kill him. He hasn't signed any of his donation charges."

We never were able to determine if the person was God. God simply stopped showing up to The Church of No Preference. We will never know. Was God in our midst or were we in the presence of a nutcase?

Saturday, April 08, 2006

The No Preference Pirates

Pirate Plate, ready for the new season.

The Church of No Preference has been active in the church slowpitch softball league for several years. We're having some practices in preparation for the coming season. We're not bad for such a rag tag religious team. We finished first three years ago and the last two seasons we've been close to winning it all. So, we think, but don't pray (we leave things in the hands of luck) that we can finish number one again.

The league is made up of religious sects in two divisions. The No Preference Pirates are in the Non-Traditional Division along with The Unitarian Uniteds, The Druid Trees, The Indian Medicine Wheels, The UFOologist Saucers, The Hari Krishna Krishnas, The Scientology Actors, and The Atheist Thinkers. The top two teams along with the top two teams from the Traditional Division make the playoffs.

The Atheists are our nemesis seems like every year. The other two teams to figure to be in the running are The Druids and the Hari Krishnas, but anything can happen in a religious league, miracle finishes do happen.

The Traditional Division consists of The Catholic Crosses, The Baptist Preachers, The Sunni Sand, The Mormon Mountains, The Buddhist Buddhas, The Shiite Shooters, The Lutheran Lambs, and The Jewish Koshers. The Sunnis and The Lutherans are probably the two top teams with The Buddhists and The Catholics on their heels. I hope we don't end up in the playoffs against The Sunni Sand, they play aggressive slowpitch.

We have some pretty good players. Our pitcher, Dan Corns can really slug the ball, and he gets the ball over the plate. At second base we've got KF Nibla who hits for good average and has no preference about playing shortstop either. I play firstbase or hit designated hitter. Our catcher is kind of odd, but he just seems to do good things by accident, his name is Mack Coffee. The outfield has good power with George Bearbutt, Barley Marble and Bob Smith who we call The Decider.

Rounding out the team at third base is Rock Roy, the shortstop Henry Hawkins, and the designated hitter Sven Nailer and rotating at the other outfield spot are Les Houng and Foley Crump. Several other players get into the game, we play our full roster fairly equally.

The first game of the season is in a few weeks and we had our first practice a few days ago. We were looking rusty, but it was a bit cold and it was tough to get warm playing. Swinging the bat caused some stingers.
Our first game is against The Scientology Actors, and we beat them a few times almost every year. They just don't seem to have much concentration on the game. Following them we play the tough Buddhas and then the equally rough Uniteds. The Buddhas have this big fat guy who hits cleanup from a crosslegged position and has led the league in homeruns three of the last five years.

Well, I'll let you know more as the season progresses. If you want season tickets or souvenirs just leave an email to get the schedule until we can get it posted to this website. We don't have many seats at Pirate Park but we do have "lawnchair hill" spots that go on sale the day of the game. Watch for further updates.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Weather Gods

Approximation of "fluffstone"

The Church of No Preference just loves to have outdoor sermons, weather permitting. Enjoying nature, that was probably created by a God, on a mid-70s, windless. slightly cloudy day in the late morning is heavenly.

These assemblies can turn out to have some unexpected moments.
For instance, the time a bunch of squirrels came swooping through our circle and did some type of mating ritual in front of the whole audience. Or when the tree branch dropped on the laps of half the front row, thank God there were no serious injuries. Unless you count Rita, who had a bad reflex action repeatedly throughout the day where her left leg would kick out suddenly and then trip the person walking past her.

The strangest outdoor religious get together
that I will always remember was from two years ago just about this time of year. We had invited a drum circle group to perform some of our hip hymns partnered with the choir, it was beautiful and swinging. Soon people began to stand and dance with joy.

About 7 or 8 people were dancing in coordination to the music when suddenly a wind started. In seconds it began to blow harder. Everyone except the music and dancers became distracted by the rising weather. I remember thinking, "Hey, I checked the weather using several sources, it's suppose to be no wind, clear skies."

The music and the dancers seemed to be in a daze as they continued on. Just then, it began to hail, but it wasn't like real hail. It came down slowly, about the size of a persons foot, and didn't have the hardness or weight of hailstones. The objects were sort of like several wadded up dryer sheets.

I noticed that the dancers changed dances and right then those "fluffstones" finished falling. How strange?! The wind began swirling in a circle, somewhat strong, which caused those fluffstones to sweep all around us! Slowly at first and picking up speed. Then it began to lightly rain. The rain had a slighly oily feel, but not unpleasant. Then the rain was real rain. It never fell hard, lightly misting all of us as the fluffstones continued to whirl around. Surreal, I kept thinking.

And then the music suddenly finished. The dancers slowed then sort of swayed. The fluffstones whirled around then up and away to the north as the rain stopped as well. And looking up, there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

How weird at how quick it was over when the music stopped. Everyone began to settled down, sit and talk about what happened. It seemed like a miracle or a sign. All kinds of amazing ideas about what had just occured, but we found out later what was going on. The drums and choir started a new song, and the dancers reacted with joy again. And then the wind started blowing, then harder, then we realized that the dancers and music was combining into a weather dance.

The fluffstones and rain returned. We played in the fluffstones a number of times as the "dance of the weird weather" was performed. We think we had a weather God, or some sort of dance power. Anyway, we never do the Dance of the Weird Weather anymore. That particular drum group wouldn't play our outdoor religious gig again. They feared the fluffstones. We've been taking collections to pay a higher performance fee in order to get them to return. Please send your donations to the e-mail address.

We want to do the fluffstones again, it was miraculous. It gave us a sweet feel.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Reserved Pew

In honor of the day the Church of No Preference solved church flatulation.

Anyone who has ever attended a church service probably has faced the problem that none want to mention, farting.

Whether you are the one who has the gas build up and are precariously afraid to release that pressure or you are within range of someone who actually has blasted an odor, farting in church is a difficult circumstance. Farting in church is a controversial subject and at the Church of No Preference we've experienced the problem and decided to face it head on, or rather nose on, as it were.

See, we had a member who had a chronic flatulance problem and after many a sermon clearing incidents we felt it became apparent that addressing the situation was more important than suffering the stench.

At first we attemted to heal the member, but we couldn't find anyone willing to lay hands on the person for any length of time. We attempted to use medicines of both the medical field and the holistic type, nothing worked with much success. We were at an impass.

We began to wonder should the member be banned for odorous emissions. It seemed so unkind and unfair. Just because someone can't control their intestinal gas it seems prejudicial to bar them from spiritual communal needs. So we began looking for compromise. We wanted to let the person leave their flatulence and for the rest of us to be able to stand it.

We tried on one day passing out surgical masks
, but have you ever seen such a sight in church? It wasn't exactly condusive to serious God talk. Plus the muffled voices of the choir was insulting to the hymns.

Finally it was decided to create a special pew. We would have a bench where that person (and any other members with intestinal pressure on that particular day) would be able to sit in their own pew. We outfitted the section with air suction and blowing air fresheners.

We rejoiced! It was a success. In fact it was so popular many non-farters liked to sit in the peeyou pew. The seating was very modern with many selections of aromatic fresheners, banana mint was a favorite. It turns out we have many preferences of aromas at the Church of No Preference except the aroma of farts.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

What Time is God?

Today's Sunday sermon at the Church of No Preference will be loaded with references to time. Every year on this particular Sunday we devote our preaching as to time because of the change to Daylight Savings Time.

More than a few members of the Church of No Preference don't believe in Daylight Savings Time. Some of them believe that the Time God changes the time, moving it forward an hour today in order to confuse the humans. Some of the No Preferentists believe that Daylight Savings Time is a plot by the government to alter God's time. And finally some members think that Daylight Savings Time just doesn't exist.

For these reasons, our church has three clocks. One clock has been moved forward an hour like we are told to do. Another clock has been left alone and now reads an hour earlier than the DST clock. These two clocks have a label under them identifying them as Daylight Savings Time and God's Time. The third clock has no identification label to accommodate the members that don't believe DST even exists. We try to concede time beliefs to all No Preferentists. We also have a fourth clock that doesn't even move, this is for members that don't think time travels.


You might think that at the Church of No Preference that things are very confused and I wouldn't quite disagree. But we find a way to deal with our confusion. You also might wonder about our religion being labeled a sectless sect, and I might wonder as well. We do have members who have their own God agendas, for instance Barley Marble and his Yam God. So maybe we have sects in our sectless sects. Again we just deal with that confusion, you don't have to understand.

So if you'd like to pray to God today, be sure to include a prayer for resolution about time. "Please God, should we have only one time or do we continue to move it this time of year? Or God, are we just in a time out until the end of time?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Pranksta




New information and complete proof has been found
that absolutely shows that God doesn't exist. God is dead! We can all go home now. Religion is now useless and a complete waste of time and money. Don't bother praying because no one is hearing you.

WAIT! Don't PANIC!
The first paragraph is not true! It was all a lie. I had no choice but to say that as the day is April 1st, April Fool's Day. Yes, I know, my sense of humor is deranged. But you see I have an excuse. I was April 1st punk'd earlier today. In fact I was played the fool ever since midnight when the 1st began.

I work night shift and all through my night, little things were not going right. I was dropping things, I couldn't locate things, time seemed to go to fast when I didn't need it to, and time seemed to slow down when I needed it to elapse faster. And the thing was, I had forgot that at midnight it became April Fool's Day. So I'm firmly convinced that I was being fooled all night long.


I think the Romans or Greeks had a minor God whose specialty was playing tricks. I think they named him Pranksta, the God of Antics. And last night Pranksta was concentrating on me. When Pranksta wants to frolic at your expense, you had better watch out. His relentless tricks and stunts can make a grown man drool. Hours later I was still wiping my chin of mouth moisture.

So now you might understand my opening paragraph, I wanted revenge. I wanted to eliminate a God, and that God would be Pranksta, the God of Antics. But how do you kill off a God?

Well judging by all those Roman and Greek Gods that don't exist anymore, you kill off a God by stopping to believe in them. Just ask Zeus or Hermes, but of course you can't ask them because they don't exist anymore.


So hear me now oh lousy God Pranksta, I don't believe in you anymore! Take your tricks and go home! Ha, Ha, Ha, since I don't believe in you, you can't go anywhere, you have no home. Oops! I just spilled my drink! ACKK! Just a minute I've got to clean up the mess.


I'm back. Boy, that was weird. Just after I diss off the Pranksta, I spill a drink. Either I still believe in Pranksta or other people still do. Man, this is going to be difficult. How do you stop believing in a God? It's not like you can turn belief on and off. This may take more time than I thought. So, maybe until I can truly believe that I don't believe, I should at least be nice to the Pranksta, great God of Antics.

Oh, powerful Pranksta, I bow down to your practical joking. Your enormous intellect and massive mischief is to be adored. April Fool's Day is your day for me to respect your stunts and capers. Pranksta, I give you an offering of a joke.

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Iwere.
Iwere who?
I Worship Pranksta, the God of Antics.

Now, please leave me alone the rest of today. Please find other people to punk, I beg and pray of you.