Reserved Pew

In honor of the day the Church of No Preference solved church flatulation.

Anyone who has ever attended a church service probably has faced the problem that none want to mention, farting.

Whether you are the one who has the gas build up and are precariously afraid to release that pressure or you are within range of someone who actually has blasted an odor, farting in church is a difficult circumstance. Farting in church is a controversial subject and at the Church of No Preference we've experienced the problem and decided to face it head on, or rather nose on, as it were.

See, we had a member who had a chronic flatulance problem and after many a sermon clearing incidents we felt it became apparent that addressing the situation was more important than suffering the stench.

At first we attemted to heal the member, but we couldn't find anyone willing to lay hands on the person for any length of time. We attempted to use medicines of both the medical field and the holistic type, nothing worked with much success. We were at an impass.

We began to wonder should the member be banned for odorous emissions. It seemed so unkind and unfair. Just because someone can't control their intestinal gas it seems prejudicial to bar them from spiritual communal needs. So we began looking for compromise. We wanted to let the person leave their flatulence and for the rest of us to be able to stand it.

We tried on one day passing out surgical masks, but have you ever seen such a sight in church? It wasn't exactly condusive to serious God talk. Plus the muffled voices of the choir was insulting to the hymns.

Finally it was decided to create a special pew. We would have a bench where that person (and any other members with intestinal pressure on that particular day) would be able to sit in their own pew. We outfitted the section with air suction and blowing air fresheners.

We rejoiced! It was a success. In fact it was so popular many non-farters liked to sit in the peeyou pew. The seating was very modern with many selections of aromatic fresheners, banana mint was a favorite. It turns out we have many preferences of aromas at the Church of No Preference except the aroma of farts.